The Terrifying Force of Loneliness (#49)

(Continued from the previous post)

I found myself on the sofa in the residency, keening from the force of a lifetime of fear of loneliness hitting me full force.

I can still hear my voice, deep profundo roars from the bottom of my belly exploding up my windpipe, pouring out of my mouth.

I can feel the astonishment at its force and strength.

I can feel my concern that others might hear, but I couldn't care - who can stop a tidal wave with concern for the impoliteness of the wave?

I crashed against the sofa.

I rose and, like a drunk, tried to find solid support.

I fell, inconsolable, back onto the sofa.

Gulps and gasps for breath as sobs rose from my gut.

Squeezed shut eyes pouring tears. I wiped them off with my sleeve.

The ache, the utter destitution of knowing I am alone. ALONE.  There is no one to save me. No one to rescue me. No one to take care of me. I am alone on this Earth. Just me. I am responsible for me. It is no one else's job.

The agony crescendoed as my hopes and dreams crashed with life-threatening force on the rocks of reality.

No one to count on. Alone. All alone.

Friends, yes. Children, yes. Mother, yes. Husband, yes. But truly, fundamentally, existentially and forever alone.



Spent, my tears abated. I hiccupped as the awareness sank in - no one will ever meet my needs. That job is mine alone. No one will ever hold me to their breast and comfort me entirely. There is no magic bullet. No spouse will ever make me feel the love I've craved my entire life. It is mine and mine alone to do. I am alone.