And Being Pushed by my Distress (#48)

(Continued from the previous post)

Several years ago, coincident with my love affair with Iceland, I went through a very challenging time personally.  I became anxious and depressed when I wasn't able to affect changes in my environment which I desperately wanted to. I am such a "can-do" type person, when I feel thwarted, I rail against it. I crash my head into brick walls trying to knock them down. I attempt in every way possible to get rid of the barriers I perceive are standing in my way.  

This particular barrier was intractable, unmoveable, unchangeable by any force I could muster. My depression and sense of impotence was total. I railed against it. I lashed out. I cried and wailed and keened. Nothing.

Finally I stopped.

I surrendered.

I accepted that I was powerless and was trying to solve issues that weren't mine to solve. I went to Iceland to escape the pain and to live into my joy. The second part worked. The first part didn't.  I confronted the devastation of my belief I could do anything I set my mind to if I just worked hard enough. I went into my deepest fears.  I felt feelings I'd avoided my entire life. I entered the ocean of my agony without a life vest and let myself drown in the feelings I could no longer hold at bay.

The sounds of my agony must still be reverberating off the walls of the studio I was in. 

(to be continued...)

Akureyri 2017
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