And Life Flows In (#50)

Continued from the previous blog...

Awakening from the deep sleep that exhausted grief confers, I blew my nose to loosen the snot from tears still stuck. I got up to pee. The studio was lit by the skylights, dim in the mid morning late winter light. Curious, I returned to the scene of my pain. I touched the rough weave of the sofa - had I truly despaired so thoroughly just hours before?

I ran my fingers along the edge of my pastel paintings, wiped the dust on my pajama bottoms.

The kitchen beckoned. I couldn't stand the sound of the blender for a smoothie - I craved stillness where my Self could reverberate in the emptiness left after the feelings finally escaped.

Slowly I cut a slice of bread off the loaf. Waited, still, while it toasted. Took it out gingerly, not wanting the excess heat to burn my fingers. Butter, jam. A hard boiled egg's jiggle against the pan was too much activity so I settled for just bread and water.

The sounds of studded tires on icy cobblestone road accompanied by the Cathedral's quarter hourly chimes stirred me up too much.

I dressed warmly and drove to the forest outside of town. I parked in a small lot that had been plowed and took my camera for companionship. It was a bright blue sky day with fresh snow glaring all around. The crunch of icy snow underfoot made me watch my step when I wasn't awakening to the beauty all around me. As I awoke to the trees, the sky, the snow, the freshness, my emptiness was filling with life.

To be continued...

The Terrifying Force of Loneliness (#49)

(Continued from the previous post)

I found myself on the sofa in the residency, keening from the force of a lifetime of fear of loneliness hitting me full force.

I can still hear my voice, deep profundo roars from the bottom of my belly exploding up my windpipe, pouring out of my mouth.

I can feel the astonishment at its force and strength.

I can feel my concern that others might hear, but I couldn't care - who can stop a tidal wave with concern for the impoliteness of the wave?

I crashed against the sofa.

I rose and, like a drunk, tried to find solid support.

I fell, inconsolable, back onto the sofa.

Gulps and gasps for breath as sobs rose from my gut.

Squeezed shut eyes pouring tears. I wiped them off with my sleeve.

The ache, the utter destitution of knowing I am alone. ALONE.  There is no one to save me. No one to rescue me. No one to take care of me. I am alone on this Earth. Just me. I am responsible for me. It is no one else's job.

The agony crescendoed as my hopes and dreams crashed with life-threatening force on the rocks of reality.

No one to count on. Alone. All alone.

Friends, yes. Children, yes. Mother, yes. Husband, yes. But truly, fundamentally, existentially and forever alone.



Spent, my tears abated. I hiccupped as the awareness sank in - no one will ever meet my needs. That job is mine alone. No one will ever hold me to their breast and comfort me entirely. There is no magic bullet. No spouse will ever make me feel the love I've craved my entire life. It is mine and mine alone to do. I am alone.