The Terrifying Force of Loneliness (#49)

(Continued from the previous post)

I found myself on the sofa in the residency, keening from the force of a lifetime of fear of loneliness hitting me full force.

I can still hear my voice, deep profundo roars from the bottom of my belly exploding up my windpipe, pouring out of my mouth.

I can feel the astonishment at its force and strength.

I can feel my concern that others might hear, but I couldn't care - who can stop a tidal wave with concern for the impoliteness of the wave?

I crashed against the sofa.

I rose and, like a drunk, tried to find solid support.

I fell, inconsolable, back onto the sofa.

Gulps and gasps for breath as sobs rose from my gut.

Squeezed shut eyes pouring tears. I wiped them off with my sleeve.

The ache, the utter destitution of knowing I am alone. ALONE.  There is no one to save me. No one to rescue me. No one to take care of me. I am alone on this Earth. Just me. I am responsible for me. It is no one else's job.

The agony crescendoed as my hopes and dreams crashed with life-threatening force on the rocks of reality.

No one to count on. Alone. All alone.

Friends, yes. Children, yes. Mother, yes. Husband, yes. But truly, fundamentally, existentially and forever alone.



Spent, my tears abated. I hiccupped as the awareness sank in - no one will ever meet my needs. That job is mine alone. No one will ever hold me to their breast and comfort me entirely. There is no magic bullet. No spouse will ever make me feel the love I've craved my entire life. It is mine and mine alone to do. I am alone.

And Being Pushed by my Distress (#48)

(Continued from the previous post)

Several years ago, coincident with my love affair with Iceland, I went through a very challenging time personally.  I became anxious and depressed when I wasn't able to affect changes in my environment which I desperately wanted to. I am such a "can-do" type person, when I feel thwarted, I rail against it. I crash my head into brick walls trying to knock them down. I attempt in every way possible to get rid of the barriers I perceive are standing in my way.  

This particular barrier was intractable, unmoveable, unchangeable by any force I could muster. My depression and sense of impotence was total. I railed against it. I lashed out. I cried and wailed and keened. Nothing.

Finally I stopped.

I surrendered.

I accepted that I was powerless and was trying to solve issues that weren't mine to solve. I went to Iceland to escape the pain and to live into my joy. The second part worked. The first part didn't.  I confronted the devastation of my belief I could do anything I set my mind to if I just worked hard enough. I went into my deepest fears.  I felt feelings I'd avoided my entire life. I entered the ocean of my agony without a life vest and let myself drown in the feelings I could no longer hold at bay.

The sounds of my agony must still be reverberating off the walls of the studio I was in. 

(to be continued...)

Akureyri 2017
Searching for Something

Following my Bliss (#47)

Sometimes I feel like I know what I'm doing.  I have a strong sense of direction in my life or in my art.  I love that feeling.  I wake up in the morning clear-headed, excited to begin the day, looking forward with anticipation to the loveliness lined up before me.

Bathed in Light,
oil on canvas
24"x30", $950
one of the Beyond Barbie Beauties

When I was in the midst of creating the paintings and performances for Beyond Barbie, my mind was alive with plans, ideas, the beauty of my models, meetings with other creatives, time in the studio, and more. I worked so hard and so relentlessly, I gave myself a six-month headache - literally - I leaned over the computer in ways that caused muscle tension that caused excruciating headaches.  I didn't understand much about moderation or that the headaches were caused by my actions, so I just plowed on through without stopping.  Those months and years were filled with exhilaration and pain and wonder and joy and excitement.  My dad died during that time, and I was hit with a load-of-brick depression I had trouble excavating myself out from under. But I persevered because I had a vision and was fueled by that vision to complete it.

A set of four images painted during this time,
after my father died, in response to his death and
events surrounding it.
titles (from Top L, clockwise): Grief,
Compassion,  Pleasure, Presence
oil paintings on canvas, framed as one piece
$2400

Beyond Barbie was a great time. A wonderful experience. I'd do it over again in a heartbeat if the opportunity presented itself - though I would learn how to treat my precious body with greater respect so I wouldn't have to contend with the headaches.

Since then (2011-13), I've had a few other projects which lit me up and turned me on. The major ones had to do with Iceland.  

Anyone who knows me at all knows I fell in love with that country while on a 3-day stopover on my way back from Europe in 2015. Since then, I've been back 4 times, leading tours of friends and their friends twice. I've lived in artist residencies and a cottage on the lake, I've traveled solo, with strangers, with my children and my husband. However I get there, and whatever I do there, it is my happy place. I thrive under the majestic blue sky with pure white clouds, on the volcanic, beautiful vast ground where my eyes see nothing but beauty.  I began painting landscapes because of Iceland. There was more beauty than I could contain inside myself so I had to express it through art. I want that beauty around me all the time. 

To be continued...

Midsummer Meadow
pastel
36"x30"
$1250
created after my first trip to Iceland.

#46 of 100 Creations in 100 Days, a Pregnant Nude created with 1000's of tiny marks

 This picture is the one that has slowed me down from creating a piece a day! It is so complex! And so time-consuming to draw all the tiny marks. I found this photograph in my files of pictures I've taken of friends recently and knew right away I wanted to draw it.  I also, while looking around the studio for something else, had happened upon the face with its penetrating gaze and powerful presence.  I knew right away I needed to combine the two. I chose the colors for the body based on the colors in the photograph of the face and began working to establish the volume of the belly based on the direction of the marks and the value of the hues I chose. 

The first time I fileld in the belly - yes, all of it - I realized the directions of my marks were not effective in creating the sense of volume I wanted. Thanfully I discovered I could "erase" the gel pen by using a little bit of water to wash it off.  I got enough off that the marks underneath don't show, though they do still leave signs of their presence.

Next I began to try to get the darkest values established.  I quickly realized I don't have any gel pens, especially not in this color range, that were dark enough in value.  I decided to use watercolor inks to establish a dark value then to use a non-opaque gel pen to draw marks into the ink.  I thnk the dark is too dark and doesn't read as subtly as I like.  I moved on though because I didn't have an answer for that dilemma.  I figured an answer would come to me as I went on.

It was fun working on the legs. They felt like undulating fields of wheat as I created one in front of the other and established the direction of their movement. The breasts were equally fun to draw with their target-like focus.

In this picture, I've begun to create the form of the arms and have finished the legs and the background.  Now I'm painfully aware that the shadow is simply too dark. I went to AC Moore to get some darker gel pens to try to rectify the situation.  I learned that I already own 20 or so of the opaque gel pens that company sells, and AC Moore doesn't sell other company's gel pens. Stuck.

I decided I didn't have anything to lose, so I put blue into some of the darkest shadows.  I'm pleased that it seems to be working.  I will do it in the rest of them next time I sit down to work on this. I can see other spots where the value isn't working so well yet.  There's plenty to do to make this work, but I'm excited by the process, and am liking the result, even though I can see lots I still need to do. That's OK - it's not easy doing something utterly new and unfamiliar!  I'm learning a lot for the next one, should I decide to do another.  This has been very time-consuming - over 20 hours and counting! It has also been physically taxing as I have to lean over to draw the marks, and after a while, that becomes painful for my back.  Ah! The pain and suffering that go into being an artist!

I have had to alter the way I work, spending only 2-3 hours/day on it rather than the 6-7 I might otherwise do in my excitement to see it finished!  The headache I got on day 2 disabused me of any desire I had to keep going like that!

I hope to finish the piece tomorrow as I have a fair amount of time free for studio work. 

#44 and #45 of 100 Creations in 100 Days: Pregnant Nudes done in unconventional ways

#44

One of the very first drawings I did as an adult. This was me,
pregnant with my daughter. It made me so happy to draw this
piece with the finely detailed blinds and their shadows which
helped created the roundness of the belly.

When I first started doing art, the first set of imagery I settled in on to explore was pregnant nudes. Their shapes were so pleasureable to render - the light and shadow played exquisitely on the rounded forms of breasts and belly.

Another of my very early pieces.
The high contrast image thrilled me
to draw.

That was almost 20 years ago, and suddenly I find myself interested in exploring it again.  I'd been looking at a lot of Aboriginal art (I have tons of images on my Pinterest page here if you're interested) and began to wonder how it would be to try those types of marks on a figure. I started playing in my Visual Journal and on Mi Tientes drawing paper using gel pens in the first image, #44, and a gold gel pen and black Micron 08 in the second, #45.

#44 took me hours to create because I had to draw so many small marks, and I had to think about which value I wanted to create and how to create it with flourescent colors. Their intensity is so strong, the sense of value is almost erased. It was a terrific exercise for me!

#45

#45 was very different.  I took the knowledge I'd gained from doing #44 and used the pens to make rapid marks to describe the form and either a light or dark pen to describe the value, leaving the paper's color itself to serve as the middle tone.  I was excited when I was finished to see how transparent the body appeared, yet also how substantial.  It was an interesting mix for me.

#41, #42, #43 of 100 Creations in 100 Days. Aboriginal Designs and CitraSolv Papers

#41

As a child, I spent a lot of time doodling in my notebooks while also taking notes.  I had certain doodles I always went back to, like drawing flowers, or creating auras around objects, like words written in "bubble script". Recently I was browsing the work of aboriginal artists from Australia and found ones that reminded me of the doodles I used to do so I  decided to use them as the basis of some new work.  These two pieces are the result. They are both done on black paper using a white (and gold) gel pen.

#42

The paper that both have in common is a paper I purchased, not something I drew.  I just liked the juxtaposition of one to the other.

#43

This third piece is done on a page from a National Geographic which was treated with Citrasolv.  Citrasolv makes the ink dissolve, sometimes completely, sometimes just a bit. This page was primarily text with a block of image. The ink hadn't completley dissipated so I played with the patches where is was lighter and darker, creating auras around each light patch, then coloring in some of the curves created from that patterning. I plan to play with this technique some more.  It was enjoyable to create and I like the results.

The Barnes Foundation in Philadelphia - an overwhelming amount of art artfully presented

The Barnes Foundation

Saturday Chris attended a workshop, and I took the day to explore Philadelphia.  I walked him to the location of the workshop then went further on to the Barnes Foundation, a museum I'd heard of, watched a film about, but had never been to.

The art in the museum was collected by Albert Barnes. The museum website writes:  "Born into a working-class family in Philadelphia, Albert Coombs Barnes (1872–1951) showed his intelligence and drive early on. He was accepted to the prestigious Central High School, graduated from medical school at the University of Pennsylvania, and went on to study chemistry in Germany. He made his fortune by co-inventing the silver-based antiseptic Argyrol with his German colleague Hermann Hille."  He began collecting art, then, "a progressive employer, Dr. Barnes organized his workers' day to include a two-hour seminar in which they would discuss the writings of philosophers like William James and John Dewey, and examine original works of art."

He built a museum on the grounds of his home in Marion, PA, but a few years after his death, a new building was constructed in Philadelphia to house his astonishing collection.  There is a fascinating movie called "The Art of the Steal" which tells one version of the story of how the art came to Philadelpia.  I didn't get further information about that story at the museum, but it was an interesting back story to have in mind as I went through the building which was constructed to have precisely the same size galleries as Dr. Barnes had in his museum. The art is hung as he had it hung as well.  That was one of the most fascinating things about the museum - the way the art was hung.  There are many pictures on each wall - maybe 20 or so - hung symmetrically, so if there's a VanGogh on one side, I knew to expect one on the other side. Interspersed throughout is furniture and metalwork - things like andirons and hinges and locks! Supposedly he used those objects to focus the viewer's attention on specific pieces or on certain aspects of the pictures.  He was an adherent to John Dewey's educational system and believed in experiential learning which his galleries were supposed to promote.  I did find myself noticing certain aspects of the paintings which I might not have otherwise noticed due to the way they were hung.  It was fun trying to figure out what he might have had in mind.

Here's an example: 

I love this picture by Toulouse-Latrec!  The woman's expression captures me - I want to know the story! Then, next to it is hung this fork with the bent prongs - bent at just about the exact same angle as her bangs are!  I might not have noticed the bangs except for the fork's tongs which accentuated my awareness and made me pay more attention to them.  

 And another: (Again, I apologize for the poor layout - Blogger is not allowing me to move pictures as I want to!)

Barnes collected a large number of African masks. He was very well aware that artists such as Picasso and Modigliani were looking at and studying these masks and that their art was influenced by them.  He hung the paintings of Modigliani and Picasso next to the masks to help viewers notice the similarities. In most museums, pieces are hung by genre or country of origin, or at the very least, by time period.  Barnes ignored those conventions in order to help us understand the connections between older and contemporary art - artists study the art that has come before them  to help them learn - what a great thing for us viewers to be able to see what influenced them and how they used those influences.

The building itself was also a work of art. It appeared to me that great attention had been given to creating a beautiful space with special views through to other areas.  I enjoyed discovering those as I went along.

The original museum didn't have these passageways with live trees growing in them. The architects of this building added them to provide more room for viewers to move throughout the space.  It was also nice to see a bit of nature in the midst of so many paintings. My mind definitely needed a moment's respite from the fabulousness of the art.

The entrance/exit hallway is visible from the stairway, creating a vignette I was delighted to capture as this woman walked by.

Here are some examples of the metal work hung with the artwork. The cage above the exit sign is a confessional cage.  I don't know what that means, but it's very name gives me the creeps!

I don't know what this is, but there were two, one on either side of the wall, next to similar paintings.

 And example of how pieces were hung with the metalwork interspersed and furniture alongside it.  I've never seen another museum like this!

 More examples of the artwork and the juxtapositions thereof.

 There were so many pieces by famous artists there, I began to get lacadaisical about them. 100's of Renoirs, scores of Picassos and Matisses. Several Van Goghs, Cezannes, Corbets, etc. It was difficult to process all the great art. What I did tend to notice, ironically, was the art that wasn't so good, or that was oddly different. For example, this oval framed piece by Van Gogh. The woman's body is quite unsual.  I don't know if she was truly built this way or if this was an early painting and not as skillful as he might have done later. Either way, I was captivated by this one because of its very crudeness.

And this Renoir painting of fruit. As I mentioned a few days ago on this blog, I have my students draw fruit each time I teach pastels, so I've seen a large number of drawings of fruit.  I think many of my students have done finers drawings of it than this one by Renior. It's good to see that not everything the masters does is fabulous, or even particularly good. It's comforting for those days when I'm not doing my best work!

 I stayed at the museum from 1/2 hour after it opened until it closed at 5 at which point I enjoyed the walk through the city to pick up Chris so we could get some dinner. I loved the way the light hit the buildings and the shadows thrown from old buildings onto new. It was the perfect ending to a wonderful day!

I don't run into such a complicated tangle of buildings, trees, cars, people, lights, bushes in Richmond too often, so it was hard for my eyes to come to terms with so much chaos - especially after having been in the museum for so long where my eye had been carefully and skillfully directed from place to place.

Lots of Revolutionary War momentos in the city, like this statue of a polish soldier who helped the Americans in their fight against the British.

I had fun trying to get a good shot of the reflection of this dome in the mirror-sided building to its left.

Being a Tourist in the US: Philadelphia

February 8-10, 2019

Chris and I went to Philadelphia where we attended a conference, and I explored the city, including the Barnes Foundation. When we arrived on Friday, we immediately took a Historical City Tour because neither of us had ever been to Philly and wanted to figure out what's what and what's where.  It was a good tour of the downtown by a guide who had a certain take on history - he talked a lot about how history isn't about facts - it's all about interpretation and who's telling the tales. He told us about how history has changed over the years and is told very differently now than it was in the days of the Founding Fathers or right after their deaths.  For instance, we learned that Betsy Ross didn't really create the first flag for the US, but her grandson told the Centennial Committee that she did so convincingly that that story became the accepted truth. She was a seamstress/upholsterer. She did make a flag, but not the first stars and bars. She was significant in history, but not the way we heard the story growing up. It made me wonder how future generations will tell the story of our current times. Which "facts" and which "stories" will become imbedded in our public consciousness and which will be completely forgotten/changed/conveniently discarded.  I suppose that depends on the direction the country takes in the next decades.

I enjoyed seeing Philadelpia.  It's a very walkable city. Good sidewalks, good awareness of the needs of pedestrians, 100's of restaurants, buses, friendly people, lots of fine museums. It was interesting being a tourist in America.  I am very accustomed to seeing foreign cities through the eyes of a tourist, but I rarely ever visit places in America in the same way. It made me think I should perhaps explore the US more!  (Silly me to not have thought about that before!)

These pictures are from the site of Benjamin Franklin's house. There were no accurate records of how the house looked, so instead, this beautiful structure was built to show where it stood and how large it was.  Words from Franklin's letters to his common law wife are inscribed in cement in the ground as they related to the rooms' locations. It was an attractive place and informative and interesting.  Our guide certainly gave me a different picture of Ol' Benjamin than his autobiography had done.

We were fortunate to be there on a beautiful day with a brilliant blue sky and mackeral clouds passing by. In Iceland I took a lot of pictures of the cliffs silhouetted against beautiful skies.  Here is was the buildings which were in silhouette.

The building where the Liberty Bell is housed with the
reflection of Independence Hall in the window.  

It was interesting seeing so many places I'd read about growing up - Independence Hall, the Liberty Bell, Betsy Ross's house, Benjamin Franklin's post office, etc. As a child I'd developed images of these places in my mind, or the biographies I read had drawings of them in them, or our history books had pictures.  But I'd never seen them in real life, and I hadn't actually thought about their being in Philly. When we decided to go there, I didn't actually consider the history and that I would be able to see the sites I'd been familiar with forever!  I'm glad we took the tour so these places could find their rightful place in my mind's eye, and so my adult self could readjust those childhood visions and stories.

I was captivated by the way the light struck this
building morning, noon, and evening.  At night,
the facets were lit up red as were some of
the other buildings, creating a very colorful
sky scape.

#37, #38, #39, #40 of 100 Creations in 100 Days: Visual Journal entries, memorial to Lisa Fisher Johnson

Feb 7, 2019 was all about teaching and playing in my visual journal.  There are times when I don't have the energy to stand and work at the easel and I don't have any big ideas. That's when I pull out my journal and let myself riff on ideas that have been rolling around in my head for a while.  It's easeful and relaxing and generally satisfying.  It's about process, not product.  It's so good for me to move away from a product orientation because I generally don't let myself play and try new things enough.

Before I got into the studio, I taught my "Zentangle Ladies". They're a group of women to whom I was initially teaching Zentangles, but the group has morphed into a lovely amalgam of friends who do art together.  Right now I'm teaching them the Fundamentals of Drawing.  The first lesson I always teach is Blind Contour Drawing.  One of the more advanced lessons with Blind Contour is having them draw the person sitting across from them.  This drawing is by one of my students, Barbara.  I posted it because I absolutely love it!  It's funky and fun and weird and wacky and wonderful!  And it even captures the essence of the woman it's of.  It excites me when my students make such fun work!

Once my wonderful students left, I went out to the studio to play.  I worked with circles and Citrasolv and photos and whatever else was on my table. When we were in Wintergreen a few weeks ago, I began the picture on the left with all the intersecting circles.  It's based on fabric created by Knoll. 

I had the idea to take a page from a National Geographic magazine which I had doused in Citrasolv (it makes fascinating textures as you can see on the right hand piece) and cut circles out of it in the pattern of the piece on the left, then to glue it around the circles drawn there.  That didn't work well because I simply wasn't precise enough, but it did give me a lot of cool circles - and another idea!  The piece on the right was the result of those experiments. (The software for Blogger is again making me crazy!  I can't get the B&W ink drawing to stay next to the Citrasolv Circles, so the layout looks shabby.  Apologies!)

#38 Citrasolv Circles

#37 ink drawing based on fabric
design by Knoll

#39 Collage, photographs, calligraphy, citrasolv page

#39 I've been working with images of my husband Chris for a while.  I took a series of pictures of him to use in a David Hockney-type portrait collage.  I didn't end up creating that, but I have used the pictures to weave with, and, on this day, I used them to illustrate the quote "Art should disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed."

January 26th, my esteemed colleague and dear friend Lisa Fisher Johnson passed away. She had had a brain tumor. She was an amazing artist and one of the kindest, friendliest people I've ever known.  She was a marvelous person and a good friend.  I will miss her terribly.  I attended her memorial service and the reception afterwards where I was hoping to talk to people and to share my memories and grief, but I ended up feeling a bit too shy to approach people to talk.  I left early and came home and created my own memorial to Lisa, these pages, where I wrote about my feelings and thought about how dear she was to me.  Art can be so healing.

#40 Memorial to Lisa Fisher Johnson